Disclaimer: This is not an anti-gain train blog, so there are NOT questions for you to answer. (How funny is this that I need to remember to put a disclaimer on general blogs? Love it :P)
I just read a blog about the HCG diet, which is restrictive to 500 calories a day, so pill/tongue thing to suppress the appetite, and no working out. No, the sparker is not on this diet, but has a friend who is and is creeped out.
But this got me thinking. I had heard about this particular diet a long while back from another sparker who WAS trying it (and got reamed pretty heavily for it too, might I add). I looked it up, researched it, even thought about it. Yes, I admit it. For a while there, I was one of "those" people who thought about a crash diet or a "Master Cleanse" type thing, anything to drop weight quickly, just so I could be a little bit skinnier. 20 pounds in no time flat? Score!
And now I am in a healthier place, both physically and mentally. Physically speaking, I am losing weight. Not very fast at all, but that's ok. I'm learning to make appropriate and healthy changes so I can keep this up for my life, versus just the right now.
Mentally was the issue. In some ways it still is, but not to the extent that it was when I was considering one of these asinine diets. How desperate was I? There's wanting to lose weight to be healthy, which has always been my goal, and wanting to be skinny. When did it stop being healthy and start being skinny, even if for just a little while? I didn't think about it then, I didn't think about these connections then. I just thought about wanting to be skinny.
Let me point one thing out - I'm built like a linebacker. No, seriously. I'm built like my dad, who was a linebacker. Har har har. When I was at the lowest weight I've been since elementary school, I was a size 12 up top in the shoulders and a size 6/8 below. Huge discrepancy, simply because I'm so built. So "skinny" is not something that will ever happen for me. Forget the big boned crap, that's just an excuse. I can be fit as all get out, I can be slim, but skinny? Not a rat's chance in hades.
That being said, I still thought about it. I believe in being utterly honest, especially here. I'm well aware that some people might want to slap me upside the head for ever even thinking about it, but so be it. Not just thought about it, but seriously thought about it.
I wanted to be like M (the ex). I wanted to be like his family. All lanky and skinny. All of his ex's were 100 pounds wet, and then there was me. He never knew me at less than 200 pounds. I just wanted a chance to show him/them that I was capable of being "skinny". Stupid, I know. I don't think I ever realize just how badly I thought of myself or how badly I wanted that kind of attention from him/them. He would so often want to do active things and I'd try, but I wasn't very fast and he'd get frustrated with me. I'd be embarrassed to wear certain clothes. He had pictures up on his facebook of his most recent ex before me, where he was lifting her up. I could never be her if I was fat, so in my head I needed to not be fat. Might I mention there was NEVER a picture, anywhere, of me? He would talk about how he missed "talking" to his exes and I took that as a complaint against me, mainly because they got to meet his friends and I never did. He would say things about me looking good, but I needed to keep it up. So the compliments were always somehow couched. I'd HEAR the compliment, but took to heart the insult. Twisted.
It was a downward spiral. A really negative one. I managed to pull myself out of it with only a year and a half down the tubes. I didn't pull myself out for these reasons though. I didn't realize some of these things until now, in my quest to come to terms with the person I was during that relationship, so I never have the misfortune of being her again. Bring forward the good stuff, leave behind the bad. I was desperate, sad, and felt really quite horribly about myself on a fairly frequent basis. Everything I did was never quite good enough for myself. Something I still have issues with, where I'm never quite good enough for my own standards.
Something I'll need to ensure as I move forward is to ask myself why I'm doing something related to my health, i.e. what are my reasons for it? Is it to actually be healthier or is it for another reason that may or may not be a positive one? This isn't for or about anyone else, nor should it be. I may want to be healthy going into a pregnancy someday, I may want to be a healthy mother and wife someday, someday, someday, someday. This is the here and the now. This is no longer about the someday, because that is not, nor has not, working for me. This is about NOW and the decisions I make for ME. And those decisions need to be strong and for a positive purpose, decisions that will ultimately help lead to those goals outlined above.
No comments:
Post a Comment