The Anti-Train: Day 25

Do you ever eat fast food?  How does it make you feel?

Rarely anymore, especially since I used to eat it all.the.time.  When I do it now, I feel all sneaky and shiz and then… I feel (1) guilty because I was “sneaky” about it (who I’m sneaking it from considering I live alone… don’t ask, I never said I was normal) and then (2) tummy upset because I so rarely eat that crap anymore.  Suffice it to say, it’s generally just not worth it.

I say generally.  Because every so often, that burger and those fries… On those days, I accept what I have put in my mouth and workout like a fiend.  That won’t work every single time, but when I do it… Plus, I’ve changed how I eat my fast food.  I’ll go to Five Guys instead of Mickey D’s for example.  A few bucks more, but definitely a better taste and a better result.  So while it’s not “perfect”, it’s doable and it becomes one of my “out” meals where I go into feeling good.  I.e. we lose the guilt portion of the above notations.  So, that also helps.  If I’m going to eat out, I might as well make it good and take advantage.

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.  ~World Health Organization, 1948

(Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders - always stretch peoples!)

Kickboxing WIN

Once many moons ago (read about two years ago), I did kickboxing for all of a month before I killed my ankle.  I also learned then to NEVER sign up for a really expensive gym longer than a few months.  Cause that was an utter fail and a huge loss of money.  Anyways, so that was then.

I saw a groupon for the same gym, but in the town I now live in (which is different than the town I lived in back when).  I signed up for it.  I realized yesterday that I had to sign up, ha, yesterday.  So at 6pm, I hauled my patootie off the couch and hit the gym to sign up.  Then came home and watched Biggest Loser (Oh, how I love thee makeover show... I would like a makeover after losing 75 pounds!).

Today was the first day I went.  I went at noon and was a few minutes late because dumbo me forgot her inhaler.  (1) I'm still getting used to that sucker.  (2) It wasn't out like normal, so I forgot to grab it.  I really only need it when I workout, so psssh.  So I go in figuring I'll enjoy this for a month and then whatever.

I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I NEED to find a job, just so I can pay the disgustingly high price of a monthly membership at this joint.  Why you ask?

Because it rocked!  Because I rocked!  More than halfway through the class, the instructor (more on him in a moment) finally came over to offer a word of advice.  He'd been to EVERYBODY else (maybe 10 people) at least twice, so I was wondering if I smelled or he just doesn't like newbies or SOMETHING.  Nope!  It was all because I was doing it RIGHT.

Then we did these kicks.  You have to have really good balance, swing your body around, then roundhouse.  I don't know what they're called, I couldn't hear all that well over the music :P.  Whatever it is, it was awesome.  He came over, watched me, and said, "look at you being all perfect for your first time." 

THEN, we were doing various rounds of punching, kicking, whatever.  The final round was your choice, just bust it out.  He called me out to the main floor and had me do various routines with him on him, you know, where he's holding the arm pads.  Oh my gosh!  So cool!  All the people working there complimented me when I walked out.  AWESOME.

So here I was thinking my fat a$$ has really gotten out of shape, but apparently not so bad that I can't keep up on the crunches AND the balance.  Let's not discuss the warm-up though... I about DIED.

And then there's my instructor.  Dude was cute.  Normally not even remotely my type.  Why isn't he?  He has dreds.  I'm just not a fan of those things and this is coming from a girl who went to Berkeley, read: hippieville, usa.  But this dude... and he was barefoot and bouncing around and his muscle control... mmmmm, yummy.  Just had to toss that out there.

Anyways, so it was awesome.  I'm going to take "before" pictures for this month in a few minutes.  I'm going to be missing 9 days of boxing while I'm in California, but I'll be packing my gloves and making it happen regardless.  So, yeah.  Rejuvenated to the max!  I'll be interested to see how my pics look on December 31st after a month of rocking the boxing/kickboxing and running.  Seriously though, must. find. job.  I really want to keep this up.

The Anti-Train: Day 24

Is losing weight (maintaining) one of your top priorities in life?  Why/why not?

Losing weight, as a byproduct of being healthy, is a top priority in my life at this point.  That and finding a job.  Since being unemployed sucks.  Which I’ve been all of one day, so I guess I don’t have much room to speak.

Back to the point!  Yes, it is.  I mean, I don’t live and die by the scale, but for the time being, the scale does have a place.  There’s no getting around the fact that I’m heavy.  Really heavy.  I was 7, count them, 7 pounds away from being morbidly obese at my heaviest.  Well, I could have been those seven pounds up, I just didn’t get on a scale back then.  So, to get healthier is automatically going to translate, even if slowly, into a downward trend on the scale.  My goal is to get into a healthy weight range for my height, which shows in many different graphs as anywhere from 111-147 pounds.  So clearly, I have a wide scale that I can utilize to my advantage.  I want to be squarely in that scale and nowhere near the bottom number.  So here’s to making that actually happen!

“Instead of giving myself reasons why I can’t, I give myself reasons why I can.”  ~ Unknown

 

Saying "No" to Crash Diets and Negativity

Disclaimer: This is not an anti-gain train blog, so there are NOT questions for you to answer. (How funny is this that I need to remember to put a disclaimer on general blogs? Love it :P) 

I just read a blog about the HCG diet, which is restrictive to 500 calories a day, so pill/tongue thing to suppress the appetite, and no working out. No, the sparker is not on this diet, but has a friend who is and is creeped out. 

But this got me thinking. I had heard about this particular diet a long while back from another sparker who WAS trying it (and got reamed pretty heavily for it too, might I add). I looked it up, researched it, even thought about it. Yes, I admit it. For a while there, I was one of "those" people who thought about a crash diet or a "Master Cleanse" type thing, anything to drop weight quickly, just so I could be a little bit skinnier. 20 pounds in no time flat? Score!

And now I am in a healthier place, both physically and mentally. Physically speaking, I am losing weight. Not very fast at all, but that's ok. I'm learning to make appropriate and healthy changes so I can keep this up for my life, versus just the right now. 

Mentally was the issue. In some ways it still is, but not to the extent that it was when I was considering one of these asinine diets. How desperate was I? There's wanting to lose weight to be healthy, which has always been my goal, and wanting to be skinny. When did it stop being healthy and start being skinny, even if for just a little while? I didn't think about it then, I didn't think about these connections then. I just thought about wanting to be skinny. 

Let me point one thing out - I'm built like a linebacker. No, seriously. I'm built like my dad, who was a linebacker. Har har har. When I was at the lowest weight I've been since elementary school, I was a size 12 up top in the shoulders and a size 6/8 below. Huge discrepancy, simply because I'm so built. So "skinny" is not something that will ever happen for me. Forget the big boned crap, that's just an excuse. I can be fit as all get out, I can be slim, but skinny? Not a rat's chance in hades. 

That being said, I still thought about it. I believe in being utterly honest, especially here. I'm well aware that some people might want to slap me upside the head for ever even thinking about it, but so be it. Not just thought about it, but seriously thought about it. 

I wanted to be like M (the ex). I wanted to be like his family. All lanky and skinny. All of his ex's were 100 pounds wet, and then there was me. He never knew me at less than 200 pounds. I just wanted a chance to show him/them that I was capable of being "skinny". Stupid, I know. I don't think I ever realize just how badly I thought of myself or how badly I wanted that kind of attention from him/them. He would so often want to do active things and I'd try, but I wasn't very fast and he'd get frustrated with me. I'd be embarrassed to wear certain clothes. He had pictures up on his facebook of his most recent ex before me, where he was lifting her up. I could never be her if I was fat, so in my head I needed to not be fat. Might I mention there was NEVER a picture, anywhere, of me? He would talk about how he missed "talking" to his exes and I took that as a complaint against me, mainly because they got to meet his friends and I never did. He would say things about me looking good, but I needed to keep it up. So the compliments were always somehow couched. I'd HEAR the compliment, but took to heart the insult. Twisted. 

It was a downward spiral. A really negative one. I managed to pull myself out of it with only a year and a half down the tubes. I didn't pull myself out for these reasons though. I didn't realize some of these things until now, in my quest to come to terms with the person I was during that relationship, so I never have the misfortune of being her again. Bring forward the good stuff, leave behind the bad. I was desperate, sad, and felt really quite horribly about myself on a fairly frequent basis. Everything I did was never quite good enough for myself. Something I still have issues with, where I'm never quite good enough for my own standards. 

Something I'll need to ensure as I move forward is to ask myself why I'm doing something related to my health, i.e. what are my reasons for it? Is it to actually be healthier or is it for another reason that may or may not be a positive one? This isn't for or about anyone else, nor should it be. I may want to be healthy going into a pregnancy someday, I may want to be a healthy mother and wife someday, someday, someday, someday. This is the here and the now. This is no longer about the someday, because that is not, nor has not, working for me. This is about NOW and the decisions I make for ME. And those decisions need to be strong and for a positive purpose, decisions that will ultimately help lead to those goals outlined above.

The Anti-Train: Day 23

Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?

Dang man.  What’s with the hard questions???  I hope there are some easier ones coming up.  (Yes, I jacked and re-wrote a bunch, but I don’t remember the order.  I do this specifically so y’all get how I’m feeling the day off, not how I felt three billion years ago :P).

Once upon a time, I would have said no.  These days, I’m going to say yes-ish.  It’s been a long couple of years and I’ve been beaten down, emotionally, a lot.  Whether it’s intellectually with school, or weight-wise and more with the boy, it’s just been a long few years.  Now that I’m officially unemployed, it’s just that much worse.  So, yeah, weight does add into all of it.  A huge part of this journey is to gain back a lot of the self-confidence I’ve lost over the last few years, which does certainly get aided by weight loss, because that just makes for one really good day.  I’m good at putting on a show, so do outside people generally see the lack of self-confidence?  Nope!  I do know how to fake it until I make it, so I do have that going for me.  It will be interesting to see how I rock my own little world when I get fit and healthy.  I’m pretty pleased with the trajectory at the moment, so here’s to keeping that up.

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

The Anti-Train: Day 22

Are you generally smaller or larger than your friends?

Without a doubt, I am amongst the largest of most of my friends, especially the ones back in California.  I was reminded of that particular fact when I went home this past week.  I can’t remember a time when I’ve felt quite as large as I did this week.  Granted, I’ve always felt fat there because it’s LA and it’s really quite plastic.  I grew up in a beach town, no joke, most of the girls were skinny with blonde hair.  Not much has changed.  This was a weird trip for me because I’ve been working really hard on reminding myself what I love about being a woman and that the curves I have are wonderful.  And yet, while I was there, I was feeling out of sorts and just blah, like the frumpy housewife down the block, you know?  I’m still dealing with the fact that I dated a man who wouldn’t take me to meet his friends because I was too fat (one of about five or six reasons that I’ve been able to ascertain).  My self-esteem took a hit a while back and I’m taking time to remind myself of my own worth and my own capabilities.

Ok, wow, that went on a tangent.  Back to the real answer of, yes, I am larger than my friends.  No, I don’t particularly want to be.  Let me rephrase just a tad bit.  I will always be the biggest of my friends in terms of my sheer shoulder size.  I’m literally built like a linebacker – my dad was one and I’m built with the wide set shoulders – which yes, I happen to love.  BUT.  I want to be the fittest of my friends too.  So even if I’m the “biggest”, it’s not because of my fat, it’s because of how I’m built with gorgeous muscles and my waist looking all hot because you can see it (which right now is debatable…), oh and my collar bones would be nice to see again… and I’d really be ok with no double chin.  Well, crap.  There I went on another tangent. 

Ok, new personal goal for today.  Stop being mean to myself.  Accept what is, accept the thoughts in my head and move forward.  So if I say something rude or disrespectful to myself, instead of beating myself up, I have to counter it with a compliment.

“The greatest magnifying glasses in the world are a man’s own eyes when the look upon his own person.”  ~ Alexander Pope

(brittanytrappe.tumblr.com)

The Anti-Train: Week 4!

Post Holiday Letdown – whew!  Switch up your diet this week.  Try one fruit AND one vegetable that you’ve never tried before, while learning how to cook with those foods.

I’m going to the grocery store later on today, so I’ll do an update on this blog to share with you what foods I got and recipes I found to include those foods in my meals.  I’m really excited for this particular challenge though, since this week is ALL about NOT eating out.  I made a mini challenge with myself to not eat out for a single meal.  This may sound stupid, but if you saw how much money and calories I’ve lost from the amount of eating out I’ve done, you’d see why I have to do this!

“Everyone has a ‘risk muscle’.  You keep it in shape by trying new things.  If you don’t, it atrophies.  Make a point of using it at least once a day.”  ~ Roger Von Oech

The Anti-Train: Day 21

Do you listen to music when you workout?  What kind?

A slightly easier question today!!!  Whew.  I most definitely, for sure, absolutely listen to music when working out.  As to what kind, that alllll changes depending on the workout.  Lifting hard?  Old school Green Day.  Running/jogging/walking?  Country.  Lifting easy?  Showtunes.  Rocking out in the morning?  80’s girl bands.  Some other form of cardio?  Rap/hip hop/whatever’s on the “current hits” station type stuff.  Clearly, I listen to just about everything and anything.  I like to mix it up.  Like my workouts, changing up the music keeps it fresh, even if it’s music I’ve heard a billion times before, because I didn’t hear it the day before, it’s fresh.  Yes, that’s how short my attention span is.  Shhhhh!!!

“I think music in itself is healing.  It’s an explosive expression of humanity.  It’s something we are all touched by.  No matter what culture we’re from, everyone loves music.”  ~ Billy Joel

(livewell360.com)

The Anti-Train: Day 20

Do you binge?  How often and what triggers it?

I have been a whole lot better about this, but I used to.  I was an emotional eater like you wouldn’t believe, I could be happy, sad, bored, whatever and it was an excuse to put food in my mouth.  So there’s no single trigger, it was just… I used my feelings as an excuse to feed my feelings.  Not always the best way to get healthy, that’s fo sho!  Especially when feeding junk and frequently.

“Discipline is remembering what you want.”  ~ David Campbell

The Anti-Train: Day 19

For many people, today is about giving thanks.  I’m going to add a caveat to that question for this particular blogging chain.  What are three things you give thanks for in terms of your body/health?  Who are you thankful for being so supportive of this journey for you?  What are you going to do today to show your thanks for yourself?

Happy Thanksgiving!  Also…It’s birthday day!!!  Luckily I can’t stand Thanksgiving Day food, so dodged a bullet on that one!  Except there are birthday cupcakes… this could either end really well or really not well…  Last night was a big celebration for the birthday with friends and ho boy.  Lots of food ingested last night.  I’ll be gulping down on the ol’ water today!  I kept it to only one drink though, so yay to that.

Ok, onto the question.

Three things that I give thanks for in regards to my health are: my strong legs to get me through, my quick thinking and large brain to hold all sorts of information, and my core for holding me upright.  I’m going to add one more.  I’m hearing impaired, but I give thanks for the hearing I do have, so that I can listen to music when I workout.

My parents have always been uber supportive, helping out with WW payments and weight rewards.  Kerry has also been uber supportive in always encouraging me to go to the gym and to work to get healthier in mind and boy.

And today I’m going to do a solid workout to remind myself that it’s not all about eating and gluttony, but about finding a balance.

“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today.  Have you used one to say ‘thank you’?  ~ William A. Ward

(everydayhealth.com)

The Anti-Train: Day 18

Have you ever hidden what you’ve eaten?  Or purposefully eaten something away from others because you knew they wouldn’t approve?

One big ol’ oh yes to both of those questions.  If I’ve stopped for fast food and head to my apartment, I’ll carry the food in another bag, just so people in the building won’t see me carrying fast food and think, “well gee, she doesn’t need that”.  Doesn’t stop people from smelling though… ha!  That plan got foiled…  Regardless, I’ve definitely kept some serious secrets which never bodes well in the long run, I can tell you that much.  These days, I’m working to just be comfortable with what I eat and if I’m embarrassed by it, then I probably shouldn’t be eating it.  Otherwise, taking ownership of what I physically put in my mouth is important.

“When friends tell you how awesome you look, drop the ‘I still have more to go’ crap.  You worked hard and you deserve the compliment!”  ~ Jillian Michaels

The Anti-Train: Day 17

Have you ever been called fat?  Or skinny?  How did it make you feel?

I have never in my life been called “skinny”.  Sure, people have said, “look how skinny you are!”, but when you’re topping 200 pounds, you know they don’t mean that in the literal skinny sense.  That being said, I also don’t want to BE skinny.  I want to be fit.  And healthy.  And not 200 pounds.  Now, have I ever been called fat?  Um, when you’re 5’1, 187 pounds, huge curly hair, and hearing impaired in the 8^th grade, what was I NOT called?  Fat was one of those words that was used to bully me for as long as I can remember.  Everything tends to tie together to give mean people an excuse to be, well, mean.  I was recently in a relationship where the man thought I was too fat for him.  He never directly said I was fat, but he did once or twice note that when I lost weight this or when I lost weight that... And it didn't occur to me then to say that's enough.  And I have to wonder why it was so easy to accept that.  I’m awfully comfortable calling myself fat now.  I’m not sure if that is the defense mechanism I’ve built in to just assimilate and move on or what.  But maybe it shouldn’t be so comfortable to say and mean about myself.  It’s interesting to think about how easy it is to beat ourselves up, without even realizing we’re beating ourselves up.  Day in and day out it’s easy for me to say things about being fat simply because of a number on the scale and the general lack of motivation to do something about it (I really just haven’t had the aha moment yet, I’ve had almost aha moments, but not the “one”).  Faking it til I make it has sometimes worked and has sometimes not.  Ultimately though, does that give me the excuse to be mean to myself?  To bully myself?  Is it easier to bully myself than it is to be nice to myself?  Well, there’s my food for thought for the day.

“Courage is fire and bullying is smoke.”  ~ Benjamin Disraeli

(believe-toachieve.tumblr.com)

The Anti-Train: Day 16

Have you ever missed a workout because you just couldn’t be bothered?  How did you feel after?

I hate to admit this, but yes, I have.  Wayyyyyyy too often.  There have been times where I just don’t even make the usual slew of excuses (I’m tired, I don’t have time, I have a headache… oh wait, those sound like the same excuses people use to not do the chitty chitty bang bang!  Interesting correlation… and now I’m going to shut up before I get in trouble on this oh so family friendly site…), I just say screw it (or another word in place of screw… that starts with an “f”…).  Right after when I should have done it, I’m still in a mood and just eh, same thought.  Now, the next day, or even later just thinking about it, like now… I beat myself up.  I wonder why I could do such a thing and no wonder I’m fat and blah blah blah.

“Don't listen to what anybody says except the people who encourage you. If it's what you want to do and it's within yourself, then keep going and try to do it for the rest of your life.” ~ Jake Gyllenhaal

The Anti-Train: Day 15

We talked about exercise growing up a few days ago.  Now... what exercise do you like best now?  What do you like about it?

My favorite exercise is dancing.  I enjoy it because I stop caring what I look like, stop caring if people might be watching, just stop caring and start doing it.  I enjoy the feeling of power I get from it and the sense of self that I have, especially that sense of being female.

“Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another.” ~ Author Unknown

(Visualize.us)

An extra quote for your enjoyment...
"While I dance I can not judge, I can not hate,
I can not separate myself from life.
I can only be joyful and whole. This is why I dance."
- Hans Bos

The Anti-Gain Train: Week 3

It's a holiday week! If you joined in on the kicking an unhealthy habit to the curb, how did it go? I have an idea! Do it for another week! Now, this upcoming suggestion for your week is going to be a buttkicker. For those of you who live stateside, you know how much food is consumed on the day of Thanksgiving alone, which always somehow turns into an entire weekend of food for most people (you can't just throw away those leftovers, now can you?!) So, think of some strategies for this week. How can you indulge just a little bit less this year? Or how can you up your activity? What can you do to make this a healthier holiday than it was last year? (Note: I did not say it had to be a perfectly healthy holiday, have and enjoy your pie please! Just how to make it overall healthier).

Luckily, I can't stand pie. Luckily, I can't stand most Thanksgiving Day classic foods. I know, I know, I am SO un-American. Ssshhh!!! But this is also birthday week for me, which means a whole lot of eating out. So here's my plan. I'm going to look up the foods of the restaurants I will be going to and track ahead of time what I'll be eating - including adjusting my eating for the rest of that day. I'm going to go for a run everyday (even on days like today that are rainy - I'll just get to the gym and get a tready deal in). I generally don't run everyday, but I also generally don't have a beach nearby! Also, mom and I started a tradition last year - a registered holiday walk! So we're going to do an early morning 5k Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

The Anti-Train: Day 14

Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?  Do you feel guilty if/when you do either of these?

Let’s not discuss the exercise part of this equation, but I do allow myself a cheat meal (not day!) from my lifestyle change (not diet!).  I generally don’t feel guilty if it’s planned, I feel guilty when I do more than one meal or it’s an unplanned “cheat”.  I also don’t mind when I go out and eat with friends, since that’s a bit of a rarity these days, but my bigger issue is the eating out alone part of that equation.  That is when I get especially guilty!  The hard part for me has been learning to accept what is, learn from what prompted me to eat and move on to the next meal/day/whatever.

“I think I can, I think I can.” ~ The Little Engine That Could

(prettyfitspo.tumblr.com)

The Anti-Train: Day 13

Did you exercise when you were younger?  Why, if you did, did you stop?  If you kept going, what did you do?

I did exercise growing up.  I played soccer for years, as well as numerous other sports.  I was a varsity swimmer for four years in high school and played water polo for two years.  I stopped when I went to college and dived into five billion other things, where my health was not at the top of my priority list at that point in time.  I went to the college gym a few times and tried step, fencing, and yoga for the first time.  I didn’t follow through with any of it, but I tried them!  So at least I didn’t lose my adventurous soul :P.

“What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?”  ~ Randy Glasbergen

(This picture cracked me up too much not to use it!  Balancefit.tumblr.com)

The Anti-Train: Day 12

How do you travel?  Stay healthy or toss it to the wind?

This is a question made by yours truly in honor of today – going HOME for a week and a half!  Whoo baby!  So that’s a 3,000 mile trip (give or take, no need to get specific on me people).  Normally?  I toss it allllll to the wind and let my diet go to h-e-double hockey sticks.  Today?!  NOOOOOOO.  I have some dried fruit (I know, I know, processed and sugars, but still better than the crap I ate before!) and will grab a few almonds when I get to the airport (totally forgot to grab some at the store like the dumbo I am).  I’ve been running around like a maniac this morning, finishing packing and doing the dishes and taking out the trash, so probably somehow squeezed in a few activity minutes haha.  Now if this were a car trip versus a plane trip… well that would require a whole lot more planning for me.  Planes I can generally sleep on and if I’m itching for junk, can make do with a diet soda and feel like I’m at least having a treat. 

“A journey is like marriage.  The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.”  ~ John Steinbeck

(www.bodysite.com)