Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny? How did it make you feel?
I have never in my life been called “skinny”. Sure, people have said, “look how skinny you are!”, but when you’re topping 200 pounds, you know they don’t mean that in the literal skinny sense. That being said, I also don’t want to BE skinny. I want to be fit. And healthy. And not 200 pounds. Now, have I ever been called fat? Um, when you’re 5’1, 187 pounds, huge curly hair, and hearing impaired in the 8th grade, what was I NOT called? Fat was one of those words that was used to bully me for as long as I can remember. Everything tends to tie together to give mean people an excuse to be, well, mean. I was recently in a relationship where the man thought I was too fat for him. He never directly said I was fat, but he did once or twice note that when I lost weight this or when I lost weight that... And it didn't occur to me then to say that's enough. And I have to wonder why it was so easy to accept that. I’m awfully comfortable calling myself fat now. I’m not sure if that is the defense mechanism I’ve built in to just assimilate and move on or what. But maybe it shouldn’t be so comfortable to say and mean about myself. It’s interesting to think about how easy it is to beat ourselves up, without even realizing we’re beating ourselves up. Day in and day out it’s easy for me to say things about being fat simply because of a number on the scale and the general lack of motivation to do something about it (I really just haven’t had the aha moment yet, I’ve had almost aha moments, but not the “one”). Faking it til I make it has sometimes worked and has sometimes not. Ultimately though, does that give me the excuse to be mean to myself? To bully myself? Is it easier to bully myself than it is to be nice to myself? Well, there’s my food for thought for the day.
“Courage is fire and bullying is smoke.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli
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