What are you most afraid of when it comes to weight loss?
Honestly, this is an incredibly difficult question for me to answer. I’m afraid of what I’ll look like when I’m fit and healthy. I’m afraid of what I can accomplish. I’m afraid that I won’t know what to do with myself when that happens. I know how to be fat. I know how to make the excuses to make the fat acceptable to myself (if not to others). I know how to dress for my fat. I know how to make my face beautiful, so that maybe it’ll detract from the rest of me. What happens when there’s no more fat? What happens when I’m fit and svelte and healthy? Who will I be then? Oh I know, my personality won’t totally change, but really… Who will I be? What will I do? What decisions will I make? The one single time in my life I have been “thin” or fit was when I was a junior in high school. I was a varsity swimmer with two practices a day, ate whatever I want, and threw up multiple times a week. I didn’t throw up purposefully, it was simply my body’s way of dealing with stress back then. But that’s my reference point. I was 187 pounds when I graduated from the 8th grade… I was 157 pounds during junior year. So healthy wise, the lowest weight I’ve been since elementary school is 187 pounds. Yet, it was when I was 157 pounds that I got uber complimented and all that jazz. But that 157 pounds came at the cost of harm to my body and unhealthy ways of dealing with stress. I didn’t think I was thin then, in fact, I thought I was fat. I had flabby arms (or so I told myself) and my inner thighs just wouldn’t quit. But ultimately, weight just didn’t matter then because everything else did. So my one reference point to being “thin” (which is still overweight by every measure of health) is really quite terrible. It’s hard for me to think that I can lose this weight healthfully, simply because I never have. I’ve just always been fat. ALWAYS. I have NEVER, in a healthy way, been fit or thin or whatever. I don’t know how not to be fat. I’m scared not to be fat.
“In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different.” ~ Coco Chanel
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