The Anti-Train: Day 39

What has been the hardest thing you’ve had to give up?

The hardest thing I’ve had to give up is something I haven’t given up yet.  Before I note what that is and why, I’ll share with you other things I’ve considered and rejected giving up.  Soda?  I gave up a million of them a day, but every so often when I’m out, I’ll have one (diet coke).  Or fast food?  Again, saying I HAVE to give it up would only make me want it more.  I’ve started cooking some healthy foods.  What do you know?  I’ve stopped eating out so much.  Carbs or sugars or any of that stuff is a no no for me.  I’m not giving up certain things, rather controlling how and when I eat them.

So what do I need to give up?  What am I having trouble giving up?  I talked about it the other day… my fears.  My fears of not knowing how to be someone different.  Logic dictates I’ll be the same person as I was yesterday and the day before that in personality, but will I really?  Will I be even more outgoing?  Will I be more reserved?  Will I still be loud and funny?  Or will I hide in the corner?  I just don’t know.  I’m struggling to let go of the fear of being thin.  Today I weighed in at the least I’ve weighed in this year and last year and the year before that.  I felt a little light in me that maybe, just maybe, I can do this.  This is about the time when self-sabotage steps in and rears its ugly head.  But because I’m aware of it, I can plan for it.  I’ve already got two friends available for me to text tonight, who are in this struggle with me, while I’m at a potluck supper.  I’ll be calling my mom on the way home from the metro station – so I can’t go get fast food somewhere.  I’m meeting someone for coffee/tea before the meeting, I’ll be getting a diet coke, so I’ll feel like I’m splurging without actually consuming calories.  I’m about to workout (after I cook for the potluck).  Guess what?  My clothes will be laid out to workout AGAIN when I get home.  Today is about remembering I can do this and that fears need to be overcome.

“Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

(aburstingsmile.tumblr.com)

The Anti-Train: Day 38

What do you generally order if you have to eat out at a restaurant?

I’m still utterly and totally TERRIBLE about eating out at restaurants.  I go in thinking I’m going to make fantastic decisions and ho boy.  My goal for this month is to just not eat out as much, especially when I’m at home.  My goal for January will be the same, minus special dinners out with Sara.  Otherwise, I seriously need to knock off any kind of eating out and eat the foods that are in my fridge.  No more waste!  Of food or money…

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ~ Marcel Proust (Brag moment: I read his monster 3,000+ page book in college… every single dang word… pretty much the only book I read every single dang word of… shhh, don’t tell my mother!)

 

The Anti-Train: Day 37

I've been forgetting to post the daily questions here - I'll backlog throughout the week!

What are you most afraid of when it comes to weight loss?

Honestly, this is an incredibly difficult question for me to answer.  I’m afraid of what I’ll look like when I’m fit and healthy.  I’m afraid of what I can accomplish.  I’m afraid that I won’t know what to do with myself when that happens.  I know how to be fat.  I know how to make the excuses to make the fat acceptable to myself (if not to others).  I know how to dress for my fat.  I know how to make my face beautiful, so that maybe it’ll detract from the rest of me.  What happens when there’s no more fat?  What happens when I’m fit and svelte and healthy?  Who will I be then?  Oh I know, my personality won’t totally change, but really… Who will I be?  What will I do?  What decisions will I make?  The one single time in my life I have been “thin” or fit was when I was a junior in high school.  I was a varsity swimmer with two practices a day, ate whatever I want, and threw up multiple times a week.  I didn’t throw up purposefully, it was simply my body’s way of dealing with stress back then.  But that’s my reference point.  I was 187 pounds when I graduated from the 8^th grade… I was 157 pounds during junior year.  So healthy wise, the lowest weight I’ve been since elementary school is 187 pounds.  Yet, it was when I was 157 pounds that I got uber complimented and all that jazz.  But that 157 pounds came at the cost of harm to my body and unhealthy ways of dealing with stress.  I didn’t think I was thin then, in fact, I thought I was fat.  I had flabby arms (or so I told myself) and my inner thighs just wouldn’t quit.  But ultimately, weight just didn’t matter then because everything else did.  So my one reference point to being “thin” (which is still overweight by every measure of health) is really quite terrible.  It’s hard for me to think that I can lose this weight healthfully, simply because I never have.  I’ve just always been fat.  ALWAYS.  I have NEVER, in a healthy way, been fit or thin or whatever.  I don’t know how not to be fat.  I’m scared not to be fat.

“In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different.” ~ Coco Chanel

(believe-toachieve.tumblr.com) 

The Anti-Train: Day 27

Are there times when you’re hungrier than usual?  How do you deal with this?

Well, clearly, during Aunt Flo’s visits… but my body has changed.  I’m now hungry the week before.  I’ll know just about exactly when it comes based on that.  I’ll try to control the hunger by eating a little more frequently and with freggies.  So instead of every 3-4 hours, I’ll eat every 1-2.  Granted, not the healthiest by any guidelines, but I find that when I snack reallllly frequently, and on freggies, I don’t gorge as much (if at all!) on crap, especially the eat out kind.  The other times I’m “hungry” is when I’m emotional.  I.e. I have to be REALLY good about checking in and seeing if I’m physically hungry, looking at my schedule to see when I last ate, and then determine if it is actual hunger or not.  Suffice it to say, I have yet to master this portion of things, but working on it!

“The trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance.” ~ Edwin Chapin

The Anti-Train: Day 26

Do you drink alcohol?  What do you generally drink?

Rarely.  Incredibly rarely do I drink.  I don’t particularly like alcohol, so I find it not worth my time, money, or calories/points.  When I do drink, it’s generally only one of whatever I’m feeling like – either a “frou frou” drink or a glass of red wine.  I’m lucky that I really don’t preference more than this, so it makes it easy to depend on it or have to account for too much.  Plus, when I do drink too much, the hangover the next day costs me the next day (not even out of sick, but just blaaaahhhh) AND I eat like a maniac to soak up the booze.  Just SO not worth it anymore.  I’m too old to lose a day :P.

So today, a funny quote I wish I’d known the truth of in my formative adult years :P.

“One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.” ~ Lady Astor

The Anti-Train: Day 25

Do you ever eat fast food?  How does it make you feel?

Rarely anymore, especially since I used to eat it all.the.time.  When I do it now, I feel all sneaky and shiz and then… I feel (1) guilty because I was “sneaky” about it (who I’m sneaking it from considering I live alone… don’t ask, I never said I was normal) and then (2) tummy upset because I so rarely eat that crap anymore.  Suffice it to say, it’s generally just not worth it.

I say generally.  Because every so often, that burger and those fries… On those days, I accept what I have put in my mouth and workout like a fiend.  That won’t work every single time, but when I do it… Plus, I’ve changed how I eat my fast food.  I’ll go to Five Guys instead of Mickey D’s for example.  A few bucks more, but definitely a better taste and a better result.  So while it’s not “perfect”, it’s doable and it becomes one of my “out” meals where I go into feeling good.  I.e. we lose the guilt portion of the above notations.  So, that also helps.  If I’m going to eat out, I might as well make it good and take advantage.

Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.  ~World Health Organization, 1948

(Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders - always stretch peoples!)